Bon Appetit

The first bite is the best. Once you sink your teeth in, you know that it was all worth while. It’s worth all the chasing, all the high pitched screams, even the jock types that decide to be heroes and beat the crap out of you with various sporting goods.

When selecting from the menu of happy-go-lucky campers, whose car has broken down by the old plantation house, you have to know your limits. Right off the bat, don’t bother with athletes unless they barricade themselves in the plantation house. They run way too fast and by the time you catch them their muscles are full of lactic acid and their brains are full of adrenaline; at that point you might as well eat at McDonalds.

I know what you’re thinking, go for the nerd that the group brought along out of pity. He’ll have a big juicy brain and he won’t be able to run far due to losing his asthma inhaler at the first sight of you. Wrong. First off, the asthmatics hold onto those things harder than a frat bro holds onto his beer.

That’s right, go for the frat bro! He will inevitably be drunk and slow to react. Also, since he’s been singing whatevers #1 on the billboard top 100 hits as loudly as his lungs will allow for the last hour, his friends are far less likely to try and save him.

The last detail leading to the perfect snack is the chase. Hopefully it will be short. There are a few things you can do to improve your odds. Chase a girl first, preferably one with breast implants, they are far more likely to topple over and roll an ankle. In the biz, we call this kind of girl ‘Pam’. Once your ‘Pam’ hits the deck your drunk frat bro will almost always appear out of nowhere with a creepy grin. While your ‘Pam’ is distracting him, go for the kill. A solid bite to the jugular is best.

Also, no matter how natural it may seem, do not groan “Braaains” before your attack. I know, it feels right, but it will greatly diminish your chances of landing lunch.

With this plan you will have a delightful meal and a beer to wash it down with. Bon appetit.